Please Stop Romanticizing Toxic Love Stories
I need to rant.
Jane the Virgin cast. Aren’t they adorable?
So as an avid Jane the Virgin fan (ready to cry at the series finale this week), I’ve been hooked on the show since its inception, falling in love with the tight-knit cast and keeping up with their unexpected story lines for the past five years.
Here’s something that’s been bugging me, though. So every good story line has a villain, yeah? Especially a remake of a Telenovela like JTV. The villain in Jane’s story is introduced as her “hot hotelier” baby daddy’s stepmother (that was a handful). At the end of the first season, it’s revealed she’s also an undercover crime lord who’s specialized in plastic surgery and has severely altered her own face several times.
So our villain, Rose (who’s a sociopath, btw!) has been having an on-going affair with her step-daughter Luisa (ikr, wild wild.) They leave the country several times when Rose is under investigation and needs to be in hiding. Luisa is a recovering alcoholic, and Rose consistently isolates her from her family, manipulates Luisa to stay only with her by convincing her that she’s the only one that truly cares for her, derails her health, and is just all-around not conducive to Luisa’s wellness. But like, Rose loves Luisa though, right?!
Fans argue that in her own twisted, self-destructive way, she truly does. But if love and self-destruction are paired together, is it actually love?
Many JTV fans whole-heartedly ship their relationship (#Roisa) (tbh, I actually adore both actresses in real life), claiming them the truest and best love story. In my opinion, it’s purely because of their passionate chemistry.
Ultimately I know it’s just a show, but how we respond to these story lines reflects how we view and perceive real-life relationships—glorifying passion and chemistry over healthy dynamics and boundaries, trust, and stability. I know those can be considered the “boring” sides of a love story in shows and movies, but they’re the ones we need to be rooting for in our real life romantic stories.
Rose + Luisa
I see this plastered all over the media, especially in love triangles between a girl and two guys. One of them is stable, healthy, smart, and supportive, but the other one is brooding, passionate, and charming. So everyone supports the latter because, well, God forbid we choose substance over passion. And I don’t say this to mean that we shouldn’t look for passion in a partner, because passion, in a healthy context, is beautiful and important for many of us, including myself. I am saying though, that love stories rooted in JUST passion and chemistry with no other necessary relational qualities are not sustainable long-term, and we need to stop latching ourselves to these narratives.
I grew up thinking that love was to be difficult and painful and that you had to continuously fight for it. And sometimes it can be extremely difficult and painful, in the sense that great love does bring about great pain, especially since two imperfect, inherently flawed humans are learning to love each other better and fully. For the most part, however, genuine love is freeing, stable, and safe. It provides a space for both partners to grow into their best and truest selves, with the freedom to grow into the people they want to be. And all the while, both parties consistently strive to uplift each other in their best light. Experiencing genuine love is only wholesome at its core.
It took me a long time to stop chasing, creating and romanticizing tragic love stories; to realize I didn’t have to be afraid or insecure of feeling suffocated or overshadowed in a relationship, because the person I’d end up dating would love me enough to want to shine together (shout out to you, Phillip); and that feeling “safe” doesn’t necessarily mean you’re constricted. It can mean that the person you love brings you comfort amid the most emotionally strenuous times and ultimately just provides you with a safe place to land.
The media has encouraged us to perpetuate the mentality of chasing tragic love stories growing up, making it so that we believe relationships are solely sacrificial without any healthy boundaries. We haven’t always been provided the greatest examples.
Let’s take Twilight, for instance. It seemed endearing that Edward was painted as a protector, but he was actually obsessed with Bella, stalking and controlling her and dictating who she was allowed to see. (Not how it’s supposed to work. Like at all.) And let’s take Fifty Shades of Grey, too. Christian was painted as dark and wounded but deeply romantic, dependent only on Ana to save his soul, lighten his load and make him a better man. But friends, women are not rehabilitation centers for men (or for anyone, and vice versa), and it’s not at all romantic or beautiful to hold that responsibility. It’s draining, unhealthy, and toxic to both parties. Expecting someone to heal you is disrespecting their mental space, just as asserting yourself as the healer is inhibiting the dependent from ever growing positively outside of you.
And for everyone who romanticizes Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare actually wrote this as a cautionary tale, not a love story. Bottom line: you can live without the person you love, and there’s no need to affirm the depth of your love by placing yourselves in self-compromising, destructive situations.
In the same vein, two depressed, insecure people thinking they complete each other isn’t romantic, so let’s stop romanticizing that, too. It’s destructive in several ways, especially because both partners will derive their confidence and security solely from their S.O., leaving each partner pressured to fit the mold of what the other needs. There is no freedom in that. There is nothing romantic or beautiful about sadness, or waiting for a love story to save you. The sad girl/sad boy tropes in shows and movies, while sometimes realistic and relatable, are typically glorified to be beautiful and frankly, I’m over it.
Other story-lines I am absolutely done with:
Storyline 1: Guy chases girl. Girl plays hard to get. Guy continues to chase girl. Girl realizes she likes guy but absolutely CANNOT let him in because “wow, what if I get hurt?” (Okay, totally realistic fear.) Girl pushes guy away. Guy comes in with sweeping romantic gesture and girl’s like “this was sweet. Let’s give it a try.” Also not as romantic as shown. There’s typically plenty of familial trauma, insecurity, and fear of abandonment embedded into the real life stories of women who fear entering intimate/romantic relationships with someone who deeply cares for them, and it doesn’t go away or get easier by a romantic gesture.
Storyline 2: Partners establish that they are indeed “ride or dies”. (First of all, why does anyone have to “die?” But I guess that’s beside the point right now.) In the context of their narrative having to be a combination of painful, dramatic, and dangerous, I think the concept is high-key overrated and I unsubscribe from it.
Storyline 3: “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.” Bruh. I understand that loving someone comes with loving the most difficult sides of them too, and not just the parts that are easy to love. But when the “worst” of you translates to physically or emotionally abusing your partner, being inconsistent, unreliable, or destructive and not holding yourself accountable? Nah, let’s all just please handle ourselves. Being a martyr to love isn’t romantic.
Storyline 4: Purposely ghosting or drifting away from someone instead of confronting them, or to see if they’ll fight for you. It’s nice to know that someone truly cares, but it’s toxic to attempt to manipulate their actions.
P.S. Also, being “obsessed” with your partner” isn’t cute, so can we please stop phrasing it that way? Being in love with your partner, thinking of them often, hyping them up and wanting to beautify their world? Super wholesome. I’m here for that.
Before you go, here’s some fun links to check out this week:
Two of my blogger friends released some content recently: Get your music fix + be inspired.
I’m actually still crying over this letter written to Coldplay from Crazy Rich Asians director, Jon M. Chu.
Super cute ideas to accessorize your bathroom (I have a weird obsession with bathrooms?)
Andy Grammer’s new album deserves all the listens.