Growing pains, living with depression, and other scattered things
I’m writing this from my new and empty apartment in Worcester, MA, about an hour away from Boston. That’s how I always explain to people where I live.
Photo by Phillip Warfield.
I haven’t written in a while because transitions exhaust me. It takes me a long time to settle into a new routine, a new phase in life with new people and new jobs. I hated Tennessee when I first got there; absolutely despised everything about it. I didn’t want to rebuild a new life after it had been so hard for me to invest in my old one. But that’s the way this all works—I just have trouble accepting change. Even small changes like updating my computer are difficult for me, even though I’m pretty sure Phil updates my things when I’m not paying attention. It takes me a lot of brainpower, a lot of will power, to stay mildly positive through all of it. To feel my emotions but not allow them to flood me. It’s exhausting, and I’ve been too tired to write.
I have multiple drafts in my notes with just single sentences. I’ve tried to write on multiple occasions. Some of them are grocery lists, some of them are small reminders. One of them just says “it all feels easier today,” and that was enough for me at the time.
I’m living in the same building where I grew up, just an apartment above my mom. We decided over Christmas break, lovingly, that we couldn’t/shouldn’t live together anymore. I swore I’d never come back to MA after graduation, but here I am again, building a small life for myself and it’s actually not so bad.
My apartment is in an old three-decker, and I think it’s absolutely charming. It’s a bit of a fixer-upper, which is a big part of the reason I love it so much. Everything just needs a little TLC to look beautiful. My living room and dining room have large windows letting in tons of sunlight (which is fantastic for me). I’m turning my dining room into my home office, filling every space on the wall with artwork from the people I love. It’ll be my little creative haven. I have a gas stove and brick walls in the kitchen and dining area. My mailbox parades one single name, a party of one, although most days it’s a pretty lame party.
I have forgotten how to enjoy my own company. I’ve lived with close friends all through college. We’d cook together, have late-night chats, run errands together, watch our shows together, etc. I forgot how to live alone. It’s been very hard to transition into not coming home to people. Some days are fine—I’ll wake up early, eat a quiet breakfast, journal, pay my bills online, get ahead in my work projects and clear out a box from the living room (I still haven’t unpacked everything). Monday and Friday nights and Saturdays are when I feel the loneliest. I feel the absence of everyone so strongly then. Some days I’ll cry a lot. Some days I don’t want to leave my bed at all. Some days I’ll be totally fine, and then I’ll get a randomly loving text from a friend and I’ll burst into tears. I don’t even know what triggers anything at this point.
And then there are days I feel totally numb, and those are the days that probably hurt the most, ironically. I suck at being numb. I like feeling; it’s a big part of who I am. I’ve also chosen a career that’s deeply reliant on me feeling things. I can’t afford to not feel. I think it’s more painful to not feel anything toward the things I love than to feel all of my painful feelings all at once. I am a complicated person.
I started going to therapy on Wednesdays. My therapist’s name is Julie. I’m terrible at opening up to her, even though there’s a million things I should be talking to her about. I’ve stared at the wall for minutes until she asks me something. She tells me I need a consistent routine. She says everyone with depression should have a consistent routine. So I started going to sleep before midnight (a novelty for me, truly) even on the days I work from home, which is 3 out of 5, and I wake up at the same time as I would if I were going to work. It helps a bit and keeps my body and mind regulated.
I’ve tried to train my brain to find joy in small things. My relationship with myself has needed to be better than it is, and I think that’s largely why God’s put me here right now, in a place where I don’t have many distractions other than work. It’s always been easy for me to neglect myself because I love pouring into other people and their lives and stories. But then I came home and realized I haven’t unpacked my own messes, I have a lot of emotions I need to process, and my relationship with myself demands a lot more time than I’ve been giving it.
So I started a gratefulness journal, which forces me to find things to be grateful for even when I don’t feel grateful at all. I’ve poured some energy into decorating my apartment and making it my own. I bought a throw pillow for my living room, added some plants and personal touches. They make coming home more fun, and they give me something pleasing to look at.
I’ve been very intentional about connecting with my close friends, most of which don’t live nearby. I’m not used to life with so many people I love being so far from me. I also struggle a bit with abandonment issues, and just dealing with distance and separation in general is painful for me. When Phil and I lived near each other in the summer, sometimes he’d leave some stuff at my house on purpose to soothe my anxieties. One day he looked at me and specifically said, “I’m leaving for the night, but I’m leaving my sweater and my iPad here. I really like both of those things and I’m going to come back to get them tomorrow. I also love you, and will always come back when I say I will.” This man knows my heart.
Distance has been really good to us. I was worried I’d feel disconnected from him or that we’d have little time for each other, especially since he’s six hours ahead of me (he’s studying abroad in Spain. I realized I didn’t make that clear). But it’s different this time. We’ve been dating longer and are more established as individuals. Our first time doing transcontinental distance was when we were just a baby couple, barely emerging from our honeymoon phase, and barely established as individuals. Things were much harder then. I love the space we’re in now. We’re building a future. We’ve gone through all of these grueling, difficult transitions and have managed to choose each other through all of them. I can’t believe there’s another person alive who loves me that much, but it’s wonderful and feels safe. There’s not been a man who’s made me feel safe before.
I’m settling into my area. I’ve found a new eyebrow threading place I frequent. I’ve learned how to navigate our public transportation system, kind of? (maybe I’m speaking too soon on that). I like my job, and I only work in the office twice a week. I transport myself to coffee shops or to Barnes and Noble sometimes to get some more work done and to be around other people the rest of the days. I take myself out to lunch once a week after therapy, which is conveniently located right next to my favorite burger bar.
My relationship with God has also been evolving. I feel His love so deeply always, but I have trouble connecting with the external establishments He made, like his Church. I don’t feel God’s love in the cheesy way many people describe it to be. I feel His love in phone calls from friends, how my dog sits beside me when he knows I’m sad, in the silent, still moments of the day. The times when He gently reminds me my worth isn’t found in my contributions to the world, but in the quality of the person I am. The times when I’ve drilled myself into a comparison hole, convincing myself that there’s no way I’ll ever measure up, He steps in and says that He understands, that it’s itchy and uncomfortable to be in a new space, and that it’s okay to feel small sometimes, especially when His love is so big.
So this is me, feeling small and typing away in my empty apartment in Worcester, MA, about an hour away from Boston. Some days are okay, some days I feel too much, some days I feel nothing at all. But it all feels easier today.
Before you go, here are some links you should check out! Have a wonderful weekend.
My boyfriend started a new podcast about growth and self-discovery and it’s one of my favorites. You should definitely check it out. (New episodes every Monday!)
I’m a BIG BIG fan of Sophia Bush. She also started a podcast recently called “Work In Progress,” featuring honest, funny, and sometimes political conversations with people who inspire her. Loving it.
My soul friend, Angela, shared some profound words about the impermanence of life.
Feeling it still: An important blog post about—actually, just read it. It’s important.
I am always endeared and in love with my friend Madeline Mace and her art. Visit her page and buy something you fancy.