Some Thoughts On Dead To Me, Female Friendships, and Dark Humor
Riddled with boredom and imminent threats of insanity, I reached out to my followers on Instagram this past Sunday for some show recommendations (and general interaction, let’s be honest. I needed it.) Pouring my energies into a new show is my highest form of escapism, and when I noticed several responses encouraging me to watch the hit Netflix traumedy, Dead to Me, I started it on the same night.
And I was hooked for 10 episodes straight, which is the entire first season. I watched it in one sitting.
Starring Christina Applegate and Linda Cardellini—both brilliant, stunning actresses in their 40s—they weave this comical, complex story of two grief-stricken women navigating loss, friendship, and well, lots of pretty deep secrets.
Applegate’s Jen is a real estate agent who has just lost her husband to a hit-and-run and is not dealing with her grief in the way society expects her to. She’s dark, she’s hilarious, and she’s angry. She meets Cardellini’s sweet, quirky Judy—who’s also lost her fiance—at a grief support group, and the two immediately become close, bringing to life a twisted and deeply relatable bond.
The show’s humor is everything women usually hold back on in general social settings: inappropriate (but hilarious) comments, witty jabs at the patriarchy, saying what you’re actually thinking, and cussing up a storm when you’re raging. It’s delightfully impolite in every way.
Oh, and let me not forget to mention that the show is completely run by women and gay men. Showrunner Liz Feldman, a proud lesbian, demanded that all of her directors be women or members of the LGBTQ community. She intentionally hand-picked the writers, directors, and cast, as she wanted the show to be an ode to women, and who better to tell the story than women?
Here are the three top reasons why I was absolutely hooked.
Christina Applegate and Linda Cardellini
On Women Friendships
“There is an intimacy, there is a romance in friendship. Or at least there can be. Especially when you're first meeting somebody that you have a really profound kind of unspoken connection with.
There's a romance in that, and I don't see that often portrayed in friendships, especially female friendships on TV or in film. But it's so often that female friendships are laced with this, like, cattiness or the competition, and I wanted to show the true heart connection that you can have in friendship.
-Liz Feldman, showrunner in an interview with Advocate
Jen and Judy’s friendship unravels like a romance. The two women meet at a grief support group, where Judy walks up to Jen and initiates conversation. Jen is initially completely aloof, detached and unbothered. Judy presses her sweetly, and once Jen realizes the depth of Judy’s pain, realizing that she, too, has suffered deep loss, she thaws.
Jen mentions she has trouble sleeping and that she rarely sleeps. Judy steps in, adding that she also has trouble sleeping, and hands Jen her number so that she has someone to call during those hours. “Do you wanna like, not sleep, together?” She asks.
Their friendship quickly takes off. They exchange pictures of their dead husbands, share dark humor, smoke pot at the beach, go for late night drives, etc. The two women are highly different, yet bound by their mutual grief.
And although we find out that the reason for Judy’s grief is different than the one she originally shared, that’s just the tip of the iceberg on Judy’s secrets. (I cannot divulge anymore in fear of spoiling anything, so you’ll just have to watch it yourself.)
I don’t feel that many shows delve into the importance of deep, emotional connections in female friendships. We have a lot of shows on heralding romantic relationships of all kinds, and some highlighting solid familial relationships. But for many of us who come from a family of one (me!) and many others, my gal pals have truly been my pillars and my immediate family.
When people have lovingly said “Oh, but you’re like family!” It’s a nice sentiment, and I always appreciate it, but it doesn’t do much for me. I don’t have siblings and I am not close to most of my family, so I am not at capacity in those relationships. I find myself wishing for friends who will put me on their emergency contact list, who I’ll fly down for on a whim if they had an emergency, and who allow me into the more intimate spaces usually reserved for family members.
So seeing a nuanced, emotionally bonded friendship on-screen, where the two women depend on each other as family, even to the point where they’d be willing to help raise each other’s children, was everything for me.
2. On Being a Fiercely Angry Woman
Throughout the show, Jen is obsessed with finding the person who killed her husband. She takes down the license plate of every single speeding car, and becomes notoriously known at her local police station for calling in drivers who’ve been carelessly speeding past her (and practically cussing them out when they respond nonchalantly). There’s a car she’s consistently encountered whose driver she’d had nasty exchanges with. She calls the police and relays this, but they tell her it’s not enough information to make an accusation, rendering another of her calls useless.
One night, she and Judy are driving back home (Judy ends up moving in with Jen, btw!), and she once again encounters the same car. It’s parked this time, so she parks infront of it, takes out a golf club from her trunk and beats the crap out of the car.
Jen’s anger, her bouts of rage, are almost therapeutic to watch. Women aren’t really allowed to be angry, not truly, so this was inarguably my favorite of her traits. Even when merited, the societal construct dictates that women remain polite, wear a smile, suppress any and all “negative feelings’ for the sake of maintaining the peace and comfort of the people around us. Jen literally does not give a f**k about your comfort.
Aside from vandalizing the car, Jen also absolutely loses it on this shallow, rich older woman, punches a man in the face for trying to come on to her without consent, and she cusses people out without reigning anything in. She is refreshingly real, and while there is much to say about how she navigates her feelings (she keeps saying she has to stop being such an arse), there is something to be said about how the show so brazenly displays a woman who processes much of her pain enraged.
Oh, and her form of meditation? Blasting death metal in her car, just taking it all in. I adore this woman.
3. On navigating unfortunate situations with humor
First. Judy’s constant passive aggressive “Hey girl!” exchange with Steve’s (we hate Steve, btw!) receptionist is way too relatable.
Second. That “eff off” stare you give people who say stupidly polite things for the sake of sympathy when you’re grieving. Spot on. (This is definitely about Karen.)
Third. Jen trying to hit on a dude at Bible Camp/Grief Retreat with her brash, drunken humor and awkward charm is goldennnn.
Fourth. Basically every dialogue between Jen and Judy, actually.
Like showrunner Liz Feldman, I navigate most of my life through humor. Even in the most unfortunate situations, in my deepest stages of grief, my mind will fixate on the ridiculous details and find a way to laugh about it. I’ll literally be in the midst of an anxiety attack, trying to regain control of my nervous system, and I’ll be texting my boyfriend Phillip, fully aware that I’m struggling to remain centered, and I start sending him a barrage of memes. He’s like “Babe, what’s going on?” and I’ll be like “I’M SPIRALING” *sends meme.*
I don’t typically have the patience for social niceties or politeness, because it often doesn’t feel like it comes from a genuine place, and it often feels like we’re beating around the bush on our real feelings. So I no longer entertain them.
In this regard—after phases of being stuck in my own grief— I don’t feel I’m as nice as I used to be, but I am a lot more loving.
So this show, a twisted, hilarious, refreshingly real thriller about grief, friendship, secrets and women, connected me with my deep love of emotions, women writers, and my right to be absolutely angry.
Dead to Me is on Netflix now, and Season 2 airs on Friday, May 8th! Watch the official trailer for Season 1 and Season 2.
Before you go, here’s some links to check out while you’re quarantined. Stay safe!
Local businesses and artists really need our support right now. Before this pandemic, I was barista-ing at Bedlam Book Cafe, a charming hub offering an aesthetically pleasing community space, freshly made juices, and so many unique books (I miss my coworkers and the space so much!). They’ve now made the switch to an online store/ordering, so I’m gently and very unsubtly nudging you to check out their page and purchase a treat and/or a book for a friend to get through these quarantine blues.
On getting dumped during a pandemic (via Zoom).
A genius visualization on social distancing.