Just Hurry Up and Matter

Do nothing and still be enough. This has been my mantra for the past six months.

I often like to ruminate on several complexities during the course of my majestical daily life: emotional intelligence, relational patterns, self-esteem and self-worth, and any other thoughts that decide to curl up and unwind with me at the end of the day. My mind has recently become a healthy space for me again, and being left to reflect and do some mental spring cleaning without spiraling or negative self-talk has brought me an inner peace and stability that I deeply cherish.

One of the things I’ve landed on frequently in my thought processes is how much I’ve previously tied my self-worth to how I am of service to the people around me with whatever talents I’m cultivating at the time (I am for sure an enneagram 3). Objectively, there doesn’t seem to be a problem with this, as being motivated to serve in your best capacity is typically seen as a good thing. However, in practice, it can easily become toxic and/or self centered if I lack the self awareness to check myself and set boundaries.

My biggest goal for this year has been to perpetually internalize that I am enough just by existing, without having to contribute anything else (actively contributing is still important, but it’s an added bonus). Thinking this way has done wonders for me, especially in a society that’s always telling me to hurry up and matter, hurry up and be relevant, stay relevant, become something. I’m acknowledging these pressures and am learning to wave them off.

As a recent grad, most of my life right now is unsettled. I’ve slept in a different home every other night. My things are packed and stored in a friend’s basement, in another friend’s studio, in my boyfriend’s car, and back at home. A year ago, this would certainly drive me into a pit of anxiety, derailing my sanity and my health, because I’ve never been willing to accept the lack of structure in my circumstances. But right now, it’s totally okay. It’s actually expected for me to rely on the people closest to me while welcoming this new stage in life, and it’s okay for me to allow myself to not have it together. Because literally none of us do.

This past semester, all of us May graduates have been asked probably a million times what we’re doing after graduation. “So what are your plans?” and “Do you have a job lined up?” and my personal favorite “When are you getting engaged?”

I’ve refused to answer any of these questions. I don’t have to right now. I don’t have the mental space right now either. I’m still figuring it out and it’s actually 100 percent okay because literally so is the rest of the world, even fully established/functioning adults. And to the people who make students feel bad for not having a direct answer, you’re part of the problem.

Piecing together your future is a lot of pressure, especially if you (like me) are an achievement-driven person and devoted your college years to creating things that matter to you, and creating things that were meaningful. It feels as though everyone’s holding their breath, watching your next move, waiting for your next big thing. Waiting for you to amaze them.

You don’t have to. You are allowed the luxury to design your life as you experience it, to stumble and make mistakes, and figure it out as you go (Gary Vaynerchuk actually emphasizes this well here).

You don’t need to hurry up and matter. You just need to remind yourself that you already do.