Should We Keep Old Love Letters?
A couple of months ago I posted a poll on my Instagram story, prompting my followers to answer whether or not they think it’s acceptable to keep our old love letters.
Although 63 percent of them voted “yes,” I received more messages from the minority voters explaining why they chose “no.”
Here are some of their answers:
Absolutely not. Move forward.
“I had kept a Valentine's letter from an ex for a long time because I thought it was funny, and I knew I had no real feelings for him so I didn't think it mattered. Then I realized I’d feel weird if my current boyfriend kept an old letter from some girl, so I threw it away. I can understand keeping one if you had a husband who died. And even if you get remarried I think it’s acceptable to keep it. But tbh, I think death is the only time when it’s okay. I can understand keeping them when you’re single, but if you’re in a relationship and unwilling to throw away old love letters then you probably don’t see a future with the person you’re with, or you still get happiness from the memories with someone else.”
”So short and sweet: throw that sh*t away. I think it’s disrespectful to the person you’re dating to keep them. You’re looking back and aren’t fully with your partner. There’s this piece of you that’s in your past. It’s good to reminisce and introspect—healthy even. But to have a letter from someone else you dated... I can understand if that person died, then that’s a different story—even if you don’t miss them romantically. You’re keeping that person alive in memory. I’m all about respecting the person that I’m with and being fully present with them. I’d hate to be with someone that’s always looking back at their past and comparing me with it.”
“I’ve thrown out all of mine because that was a chapter in my old life in a different season that I’m no longer in. I don’t want to be tied to something that’s no longer a part of my life and that I once had sentimental feelings for, especially if I’m dating someone else. I don’t think it’s good. I don’t think it’s healthy—even if it’s stored up in a box somewhere. Get rid of it!
“No need to dwell on the past when you’ve got something good in the present.”
“My gut instinct says throw the old letters away. Those people served their purpose and (hopefully) taught you something about yourself. It’s all part of moving forward.”
“Hell no! Completely different time, completely different people. They’re gone and irrelevant. Why open a closed coffin?”
To prove their point, this person went as far as to send me pictures of them burning their ex’s letters in a bonfire. I laughed out loud.
“Forgive me for being so extra, I just don’t understand why anyone would keep them.” They added.
I recently threw my ex’s letters away.
“I recently threw all of my ex’s letters away. For a long time I kept them because I regarded them as something special and a part of my life and I do think that it is important to remember that—the time you invested in them and the time you may have lost. I actually threw all of them away except for two that are, I guess, more special to me than the rest of them. And I did that because I woke up and realized that although it’s important to remember that time in my life, that time in my life has passed. And at this point, I don’t feel as though I have any use for them other than reminding me of the hurtful experiences. So yes, it’s important to have those memories, but at the same time what is this actually doing for me? Is it fostering growth in my life? And if not, why am I still holding on to it? Throwing them out helped me feel better about where I’m at and my healing process. I definitely don’t think you should keep everything from your former lovers. It gets complicated and messes with your emotions in a way. I don’t think keeping them necessarily means you have a romantic attachment to the person—it’s different for everyone.
I can be tempted to seek out affirmation outside of my relationship. If you’re keeping old letters, you should ask yourself why you’re doing it.
“I understand it may be nice to keep a well crafted document of affirmation and could definitely see how it would be nice to look upon. However, I do think you should be relying on either your close group of friends or your current romantic partner for that affirmation. If you feel so strongly about keeping a letter, I’d wonder if you feel there’s some lack of affirmation in your current relationship or if you just wanted it from more people. I’m the type of person who is tempted to seek out affirmation and attention from outside of my relationship. And it’s not because my girlfriend is giving me some dramatic shortage of affirmation, but because I really like it and I could be an affirmation glutton if left unchecked…
So I think we should be careful to snip these habits in the bud. I think in situations where your former person passed away, it’s a completely different situation. In a general sense, it’s healthy to move on from things and embrace the affection in your current relationship and not foster the attention from past ones. I think it’s also unfair to your current partner if you’re constantly comparing them to someone else. If it’s something in the back of your closet that you keep as a reminder of how fun college was, then that’s one thing. But if you go back and read it with some level of frequency, then that’s a problem. If you’re going to keep your old letters, you should ask yourself honestly why you’re doing it. And if you’re content with your answer, then that’s great. If you feel you’re lying to yourself a bit, then maybe you should reconsider your answer.”
“Old love letters seem to serve a purpose to remind a person why they were attractive or desired by a past person. They’re beautiful and sentimental but there is no value but to remind you about a highlight in your life. Being confident in yourself allows you to know your worth without needing a reminder from old lovers. Some memories are meant to stay as memories, not a re-run. Just my personal opinion.”
I had no need for any of the words, thoughts, or emotions put into them.
“That’s so hard!! I kept a few cards from my ex and his family, and I found them when I was cleaning things out last year. I was already dating at the time and I threw them out. I had no need for any of the words or thoughts or emotions that were put into them. They didn’t hold any sentimental value either, so it was pretty cathartic to throw them away and realize I had no feeling attached to them.”
It varies from person to person. There is no right answer.
“I think if it causes a problem for you, you shouldn’t. If it doesn’t mean anything to you anymore, won’t act as a block or hindrance or anything, doesn’t bother your current partner, and it’s just for memories as something that once happened in your life, then it seems like it could be ok. But I really think it varies from person to person, situation to situation and relationship to relationship. I don’t think there really is one black and white yes or no blanket answer which would apply to everyone.
“I guess it depends on how the relationship ended, but those letters are memories of good times. It reminds you that even though you and that person may not have worked out, there were happy moments.”
“I have a battle with this. Being a lover of writing I hold on to pieces. I have a few in my email and actual hand written ones in a box as well. I haven’t gone back to review but I have them. I think it’s circumstantial and I think that as you grow and move on it’s obviously not something you drag into the next relationship.
“I just see it as a nostalgic memory to look back on. They do have sentimental value, and that past could have some part in who they are today. Those letters can tell a lot about that person, which allows them to reflect on their past selves. I don't think it's necessary to toss away some of our happiest moments from our past. Although, it also depends on how that person is dealing with their past, some people may not know how to deal with those memories. I think it's do what's best for you and your emotions.”
They were from a boy who fought in the Vietnam War, and she kept them because he died.
“Growing up, my mom had a box of letters from a boy that she used to know. She kept them under her bed and we weren’t really allowed to touch them or look at them and they weren’t from my dad. I always wondered what those were from. As I got older I asked my mom about it again, and she told me they were from a boy who fought in the Vietnam War. She kept them because he died in the war fighting for our country. I think that every relationship we have teaches us something new about ourselves and I think that their lessons fade like pages in our memory. I think it’s important to keep an old love letters to remind us who we were and remind us of the people we lost both forever and just because of choices and growing apart. We can’t forget who we are just because of hurt and we can’t forget what we have been through because of hurt. No one is all bad, and it’s important to remember our past and our past lives. So I think we should always keep our old love letters.
I keep it for documentation, not for sentimental value.
“I have always been in the habit of keeping things like that tucked away in a memory box. I have no idea why. My earlier bad relationships I ended up throwing everything away because it was taking up space. But I think I keep stuff less for sentimental value and more documentation. Like a plane ticket or movie stub. Like oh yeah, I did that, or that person was part of my life. I delete all pictures but keep something as documentation of my past and where I have been. Makes me remember the journey and makes me thankful for where I am now.”
”Old partners are a part of your life whether one likes it or not. They were either a very good memory or a turning point in one’s life. I feel like those letters are part of that story.”
On that note, here’s my personal opinion:
I grapple with this as a writer and just because I’m me. I deeply cherish any single hand-written documentation, even if it’s a shopping list or a random sticky note left in a book. I definitely get this from my mother, who stores all types of notes and letters. She kept a couple of old letters from past loves and let me read them when I was old enough to ask her about her past boyfriends. I loved this deeper, more personal glimpse into her world before I existed.
My boyfriend and I have had several conversations about this, as both of us treasure words deeply. Since he’s also a historian, documentation is golden to him. With that being said, I actually threw out all of my old love letters except for one. It was given to me when I was 14 and I have no romantic connection to it, but the context of it reveals a lot of who I was and how I experienced the world at the time. I don’t go back and read it, and it’s not in a special box labeled with all of his old things, but I’ve just never seen the need to rid myself of absolutely everything from that experience. However, if Phillip were uncomfortable with my keeping it, I would definitely do so, as I don’t have a deeper emotional attachment to it other than a memento of my past self. It’s just kind of a souvenir from 14-year-old me saying, “this is a part of your story; this was the first time you experienced love, and this is how you viewed the world.”
The only letters I ever go back and read, however, are the ones written to me by none other than my Phillip, who’s penned the greatest love letters of all time.
What do you think about keeping old love letters? Leave your thoughts in the comments below!